A few weeks ago I had a week that can only be described as H A R D. I was taken down by a sinus infection and I spent 5 days lying on the couch feeling utterly miserable. This physical virus started just a day or so after the emotional virus of homesickness had begun to settle into my bones. 7 months we’ve been in Canada now & we’ve had some ups & we’ve had some downs. We’ve had some adventures & we’ve had some dilemmas. Obviously our Instagram pictures show the ups & the adventures but life isn’t an Instagram account. You know that, I know that, yet it’s so easy to buy into the filtered images of other people’s glossy looking lives.
My life did not feel glossy & there was no rose tinted filter. I was homesick. For the people I love, for the friendships I miss, for the family I adore, for the Aberdeenshire hills that seem to have become a part of my DNA.
As I’ve lain on my sick couch I’ve questioned the last 9 months inside out. Why did we come? Why did we give up so much? Did we make a mistake? What was our decision making process? I reached out to friends to ask for their prayers & as always, every single time, God answered.
Flicking off my 11th episode of Friday Night Lights I decided to review things from my sick couch. This move to Canada always felt right, I always trusted it was God’s plan, so what was the problem? Was I wrong to have trusted God? Was I wrong to believe this was His choice for us? Since we lived in Germany, as a couple, we’ve always said we wanted to live abroad again. Mutual decision. We’ve always said we wanted to do it before our eldest was at secondary school. Mutual decision.
These are things we’ve always been on the same page about. As I wept down the phone to my husband, he reminded me of these mutual, same page decisions. It’s always been the desire of our joint heart.
So I forced myself to look back to last December when we got the opportunity to move to Canada. It was such a simple, easy decision. We didn’t toss and turn about it, we didn’t bite our finger nails & argue. We decided in three days, rob moved two weeks later, me & the kids 12 weeks later.
We had P E A C E.
I had P E A C E.
That’s right, the woman who has suffered with anxiety since I was 12. Yet not one day in those 12 weeks did I have anxiety. Stress, yes, anxiety, no. It felt like a miraculous journey. It was the desire of our hearts to travel again & when it came along it was God’s peace that surpasses all understanding that got us here.
The personal desire of my own heart is to serve God here in Canada. How? I have no idea. I’ve worried & stressed that it won’t happen yet it is a desire of my heart. Yet again & again I question if it will ever happen. I berate myself that my dreams are too big & I question my motives. Yet people have always told me over the years to hang in there because God will grant us the desires of our hearts.
But I’ve struggled with this verse from the bible! What if the desires of our heart are wrong & not pleasing to God? Will He grant us these desires? It was in asking God these questions that morning that I got my answer.
God P U T S the desires of our hearts I N our hearts so that He can then G I V E them to us.
The desires we have that aren’t pleasing to God aren’t desires of our heart but of our flesh. What we need to look for, what we need to discern are where our desires are coming from. Flesh or heart? But know this, if they are the desires of your heart then T R U S T that they are from God & they will come to pass because He K E E P S His promises.
So Canada? Heart or flesh? Well, we experienced the peace that passes all understanding for three months & when we first got here & I was as homesick as homesick gets, I still everyday felt buoyed by my desire to thank God in everything. Believe me, this did not come from any natural Godly predisposition, but from a well of thankfulness that is not of this world. A N D, we were totally in sync the whole time. We were a team 100%, no matter what difficulty was thrown up. My discernment tells me this move I S well & truly a desire of the heart, which God gave us almost 13 years ago & which He is answering right now. Yes I’m homesick but I must remember that He has plans. He has plans & I’m waiting, not always patiently, to find out all about them, because aren’t Gods plans always the best?
My desire to serve God here & in what way needs an audit as my sisters daily devotional suggested the other morning. What are my motivations, my reasons, my desires? He’ll tell me, as long as I keep asking & keep my heart open to Him. When you open the door of your heart He steps in, & it’s through this door He will place His desires for your life.
If you’re in the waiting room, waiting for these desires to come to fruition, or if you (or God!) are making changes & you’re questioning them, then just ask God to show you the desires of your heart & T R U S T that He’s got this. The waiting room tends to feel lonely because we think we’re waiting outside God’s office, ready to go in. But He’s sat in the waiting room too! He’s got His arm round you, He’s holding your hand. He’s the one waiting! Waiting for us to be ready.
I’m that He will grant you your desires. Please leave a comment for prayer requests.
Thank you to every praying woman out there who keeps her sisters afloat and upheld. You know who you are.
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